All of My Heart Read online

  The Honeymoon

  I woke up to an empty bed the next morning. The curtains had been drawn back, allowing a shaft of sunlight into the room. I sat up and rested my head against the headboard. I scanned the room but Aariz was nowhere to be seen. There was no movement in the washroom which meant he was probably downstairs. A small note and a bunch of fresh red roses were kept on the side table. I slowly picked up the note and unfolded it.

  Good morning, Wife

  I’m sorry about last night. I don’t know when I fell asleep. I promise I will make it up to you. There’s an ivory dress inside your closet. Be ready by 1 p.m. I’ll pick you up and we’ll go out for lunch. Till then, enjoy the red roses.

  Love,

  Your Husband

  A smile lit up my face and the rush of anger I had felt the previous night disappeared. I made my way to the walk-in cupboard to look for the dress. It was as beautiful as I had imagined it to be. I quickly got dressed and made my way downstairs to find Uncle Kamran and Aunty Raima at the dining table. I told them about the lunch plan but they already knew about it. Aariz was known to be punctual, and he was there on time. He wanted to take me to one of my favourite restaurants.

  ‘Let’s go to a place neither of us has tried before,’ I suggested as he drove the car.

  ‘Fair enough.’

  ‘I’ve been dying to try Seven Park Place. Have you been there?’

  ‘No. I don’t think so. Shall we go there?’

  ‘Yes. Why don’t you look it up on Google Maps?’

  ‘Sure. Let me check.’

  After lunch, we drove around aimlessly, talking and listening to music. I was ecstatic when he surprised me with news about our honeymoon. He was taking me to Italy—a place that had been on his wish list for a long time. I did feel a twinge of disappointment as I had thought it would be somewhere more exotic like Switzerland, Paris or Cape Town. But I didn’t want to be a killjoy, since he had already applied for our visas and bought the tickets. We were scheduled to leave the following day so he asked me to pack as soon as we returned home. I was thrilled. Overjoyed. Why wouldn’t I be? I was living the life I’d always wanted.

  I met my parents before leaving and could see how happy they were for me and the life I was leading. It all seemed perfect. Or at least that’s what we all thought at that point.

  Aariz had outdone himself by booking a lavish honeymoon suite in one of the finest hotels in Florence. I was stunned by the opulence of the rooms, the contemporary furniture and the soothing colour palette of white and greys. The balcony, which overlooked Ponte Vecchio, was adorned with colourful hanging baskets and planters. I stood there for a few seconds, drinking in the view, and then came back and plonked myself on the bed.

  ‘Tired already?’ Aariz asked, as he placed his suitcase on the luggage rack.

  ‘Yeah, a little bit,’ I said.

  ‘You should get some sleep.’

  ‘I think . . . We should get some sleep,’ I said as I played with a stray strand of hair coquettishly. It was our honeymoon after all.

  ‘Well.’ He smiled in return and stepped closer. My heartbeat quickened. ‘I know you’re tired, love.’ He caressed my cheek with his warm hand. ‘I want you to rest before we go out and see this beautiful city. Meanwhile, I’ll go out and finish a business meeting and when I come back I want you to be ready in your prettiest dress.’ He withdrew his hand from my face and turned around.

  ‘Business meeting?’ I sat up. ‘What are you talking about? You’re going for a meeting? Here?’ I was stunned.

  ‘Yes. I planned it that way,’ he said, putting his cell phone in his pocket.

  ‘But . . . but . . . we are here on our honeymoon, not a business trip.’ I frowned.

  ‘I know, love. It’s only going to take an hour and then I’ll be back.’

  ‘Did you select this place because of your meeting?’ I asked him, my face solemn.

  ‘What? No!’ He laughed. ‘Of course not. The meeting was impromptu. I have to meet designers from a very prestigious interior design company. If all works out, one of them might become a partner. Anyway, I have to go now. You get some sleep and then get ready before I come back. See you.’ Before I could say anything, he left the room.

  I felt disappointed. To distract myself, I opened Snapchat and posted a story about the beautiful view. Then I called Mummy and told her that we had reached safely and I was already missing them. I tried to sleep but couldn’t close my eyes for more than a few minutes. I was suddenly scared of being alone in the room. It was uncomfortably silent. I looked at my watch every few minutes or strained my ears for approaching footsteps. It had already been two hours and Aariz had still not returned. I decided to wait a little longer before giving him a call. I opened one of our suitcases and picked out a cool summer dress for the evening. Then I undressed and stepped into the shower. I stood under it and let the water run down my back. It calmed me down a little. I thought I heard the click of the door and quickly wrapped myself in a towel before running out. But Aariz was still not back. I took out my cell phone and dialled his number. After a few rings, his number became unreachable. I tried his number again and again but couldn’t get through. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wiped them off and typed a message. Maybe he would see that and call me back. He had been away for three long hours. If he was going to be late, he should have informed me. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that the mascara was smeared all over my face. I sat down, wallowing in self-pity. I didn’t know how to contact him. All I knew was that he had gone to attend a business meeting but I did not know where. After another hour passed, I decided to go downstairs and inquire about him at the help desk. Perhaps they knew his whereabouts. Maybe he hadn’t even left the hotel. Maybe they had booked one of the conference halls here. With these thoughts, I rushed out of the room. I reached the help desk and asked if they knew where my husband had gone for his meeting. I showed them his picture on my phone and reminded them that we’d checked in a few hours ago. They remembered his face but had not seen him leave the hotel, which meant that he was still here. I felt a bit relieved. I decided to look for him and went around the hotel, checking every lounge, bar, club, restaurant, shop. I also peeped into the conference room. What if the client was staying in this very hotel and they were having the meeting in his room? I couldn’t go around checking each room, so I gave up.

  I contemplated calling either Aunty Raima or Uncle Kamran but that would just aggravate the situation. What was so important that he had completely forgotten about me? He knew I was alone in the room. Was he still at the meeting or had something happened to him? Concern and worry gripped me and I felt drained of energy. I slumped into the bed and curled up, hugging my knees. I don’t remember for how long I lay in that position. I woke up when I heard the click of the door. I sat up and looked around. Aariz, still looking fresh, walked into the room and smiled at me. I quickly got off the bed and ran towards him.

  ‘Hey . . . I’m sorry, I’m late . . .’ he said, but before he could utter another word, I started pummelling him with my fists, my face contorted with fury.

  ‘Zynah, what are you doing?’ he asked, laughing at my childish behaviour.

  Hearing him laugh made me angrier and I punched him harder.

  ‘Okay, Zynah, stop now. It’s hurting me! I said I’m sorry!’

  ‘Why weren’t you answering my calls? Why, why why?’ I screamed.

  When I didn’t stop, he caught hold of my arms.

  ‘Ouch!’ I squealed in pain.

  ‘Okay, enough now, Zynah,’ he said in an irritated voice. ‘I have already apologized. I was having a meeting in the basement of a building and there was no network there,’ he said, tightening his grip around my arms and digging his fingernails into my skin.

  ‘Aariz . . .’ I whimpered as fresh tears rolled down my cheeks.

  ‘What?’ he asked.

  ‘You’re hurting me.’

  He immediately released me and his expression sof
tened.

  ‘I’m sorry, love,’ he whispered, holding my face in his hands. ‘I’m really sorry. I promise I won’t do this again.’

  ‘It’s . . . okay.’ I shook my head.

  I did not understand what he meant by that. He wouldn’t leave me alone or hurt me again? I was confused, my head hurt. He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. I did not hug him back because I was still in a state of shock. Everything seemed like a lie.

  ‘Let’s freshen up and go get dinner. My stomach is rumbling with hunger,’ he said casually and walked towards the bathroom, leaving me there.

  I was still shaking and tried to calm myself down. I looked at the marks his nails had left on my bare arms and then slowly walked up to the mirror to get a better look. The person who stared back was certainly not me. She was someone else. She was a mess.

  He took me to a local restaurant nearby for dinner. He was starving but I had lost my appetite. I was still angry at him. I knew confronting him wouldn’t change anything as he’d already given an explanation and also apologized. But was it enough? No, it wasn’t. I didn’t want an apology; I wanted attention, care, love.

  He didn’t utter a word throughout. I looked at him in silence as he stuffed his face with food.

  ‘Why aren’t you eating?’ he asked between mouthfuls, his voice indifferent.

  ‘I guess I’m not hungry,’ I said, looking away.

  ‘I thought you were starving. C’mon, eat something.’

  ‘I said I’m not hungry,’ I shot back.

  He stopped eating and looked up. ‘Zynah, I know I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have and I have already apologized. For how long are you going to punish me like this?’

  ‘What did you say? Punish?’ I said with a smirk. ‘Am I punishing you?’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, putting away his napkin. The irritation was back in his voice.

  I looked away, my eyes welling with tears.

  ‘I’m sorry, Zynah. I really am,’ he said and put his hand on mine. ‘I swear I will never do it again. Please don’t ruin this trip. Please.’

  I sniffed, withdrawing my hand.

  ‘Thank you. Will you please finish your dinner now? Or should I do it on your behalf?’ he said, flashing me a smile.

  I smiled. ‘Let’s finish it together.’

  The Night

  We had been married for three days now but Aariz had not even touched me. In fact, we had not even kissed properly, let alone have sex. After dinner, we strolled back to the hotel, hand in hand. Before he could say anything, I slowly crawled into bed and closed my eyes.

  ‘Tired already?’ he asked as he sat beside me and ran his hand through my hair.

  ‘Hmm,’ I mumbled, my eyes closed. I liked what he did with my hair.

  ‘Have a good night, love. Sleep well.’ He kissed me and turned off the lamp.

  I felt a pang of disappointment. I wanted him to lie next to me, to hold me in his arms. However, this time, I did not make the first move. I waited for him to initiate it. He could have easily told me not to sleep. Or he could have crawled into bed and taken me in his arms. But he did not do anything. He just sat on the couch with his laptop on his lap. I closed my eyes, feeling dejected once again.

  It had been a week in Florence but things hadn’t changed. Aariz had become more caring though, giving me his full time and attention. He did attend a few meetings in between and went out for two or three hours but kept me informed.

  He took me to places only locals knew about, made sure I tried all the local cuisines and made me shop till I dropped dead. Despite all these efforts, I was unhappy. Something was amiss. We were in a platonic relationship. There was no intimacy between us. He still had not touched me the way I wanted him to.

  One night, I decided to take matters in my own hands and make the first move. The table lamp cast long shadows on the walls. As usual, Aariz was sitting on the couch, his eyes fixed on his laptop. I changed into a deep red nightie. It not only accentuated my lean body but also made me look bold and beautiful. Perhaps a bit sexy too. Tucking my hair behind my ears, I stepped out of the washroom and looked at Aariz. He had still not noticed me. I slowly took a few steps in his direction, managing to distract him. His jaw fell open as he gawked at me from head to toe. Locking my eyes with him, I leaned forward and closed the lid of his laptop. He did not blink his eyes even once and neither did I. I put away the laptop on the coffee table and then slowly made my way towards him. I crawled on to the couch, spread my legs and sat on top of him, putting my arms around his neck. He smelled heavenly and it was enough to turn me on. I wondered if he was also equally turned on. I felt the sexual tension between us but his facial expression told me otherwise. He seemed a bit taken aback, slightly nervous. Perhaps he wasn’t expecting me to make the first move, that too a bold one.

  ‘I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long . . .’ I whispered as I held him tightly, his face only a few inches away.

  ‘Zynah . . .’ he whispered.

  Before he could say anything else, I pressed my lips against his and kissed them slowly. When we were a few seconds into the kiss, he parted his lips and took mine inside his mouth, playing with them with his tongue. It was enough for me to know that he also wanted this to happen. I hungrily searched for his tongue and teased it with mine before sucking it. This aroused him even more and he grabbed me by my waist and brought my body closer to his. I let out a deep moan and then nibbled his earlobe. He pulled my legs and wrapped them around his torso. Then, without breaking our intense kiss, he got up from the couch and carried me to the bed. I whimpered as he left my lips and kissed my neck. But then his lips found mine again. I pulled him harder towards me. He got the hint and lowered his body on top of mine. My hands found the button of his trousers and clutched it. When he realized I was struggling to unbutton it, he got up and hurriedly undressed himself. I feasted my eyes on his broad shoulders, muscled chest and tapering waist. I followed suit and took off my nightie. I wasn’t wearing any undergarments under it and lay stark naked on my back, my eyes burning with desire. I saw pure lust in his eyes. He grabbed my ankles and pulled me towards him. I wrapped my legs around his hip as he lowered his body on mine, his hands cupping my breasts. I could feel his arousal and ached for him to be inside me.

  ‘Zynah . . .’ he breathed my name, his lips near my ear.

  ‘Yes . . .’

  ‘Are you sure about this?’

  His unusual question startled me. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean . . . are you sure that you want to do this with me?’

  ‘God. . . Aariz . . . are you crazy? I’ve been dying to do this with you.’

  ‘What if I disappointed you? What if I’m not good at it?’

  ‘You can never disappoint me.’ Why was he saying these things?

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘I’ve never been surer,’ I told him, holding his face in my hands and looking into his eyes. ‘I love you.’

  He let out a nervous laugh. ‘I love you too.’

  He sat up and looked at me with lustful eyes. He then leaned forward and pulled out a packet of condoms from the drawer of the bedside table. He tried to put it on but failed as he didn’t have an erection.

  ‘Aariz, what are you doing?’ I whispered, getting slightly restless. ‘Haven’t you done this before? Are you a virgin?’

  He jerked his head up, looking at me in surprise.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked him, grabbing his arm.

  ‘I don’t think it’s happening, Zynah. I can’t do it.’

  ‘What?’ I was shocked. ‘What do you mean you can’t do it?’

  ‘I mean nothing. It’s just not working right now.’

  ‘Listen.’ I held his arm tightly. ‘Do not get anxious. Okay? Let’s try in a few minutes. I’m sure it happens with every couple when they have sex for the first time.’

  ‘No, Zynah. Let’s just leave it. We should go to sleep. We can . . . we can try some other
time. Not tonight, please.’

  ‘Aariz . . .’

  ‘Please, Zynah. Don’t force me. I just don’t feel like doing it tonight. Perhaps I’m not prepared. Please understand.’ He looked at me pleadingly and I wondered what really was going on with him.

  ‘But . . .’ my voice trailed off.

  ‘Thanks,’ he muttered and picked up his clothes from the floor. He quickly got dressed and handed me my nightie.

  ‘Please, wear it.’

  I looked at him, completely flabbergasted. It felt like he was literally the first man on earth who was running away from sex. How could he leave me hanging? Grabbing my clothes from his hands, I sullenly stomped off to the washroom. I knew our honeymoon had ended.

  Back to Reality

  We never brought up that night again. In fact, both of us, mostly him, pretended like it never happened. More than being shocked, I was hurt by his nonchalant attitude. How could a mature and sensible man like Aariz behave the way he had in the past week? It all seemed so odd.

  We stayed in Florence for another three days. We continued to share the same bed, but did not have sex. Sometimes, he would caress my hair or my arms to help me fall asleep. When he was in a cheerful mood, he would even plant kisses on my forehead, claim that he loved me but then turn to the other side and doze off. On most nights, my thoughts kept me awake. Did he not find me physically attractive? Why wasn’t I able to arouse him? Did he not want me sexually? What was I missing? Was he involved with someone else? Or did he have performance anxiety? Or some other serious health issue? I soon began to fall into an abyss of depression. There were times when I wanted to confront him again and ask him what the problem was but held myself back as it would ruin his mood. I was scared I would humiliate or debase him in the process. Also, I didn’t want to seem desperate. Maybe he needed more time. We shared the same bed, the same life, still we were strangers. The growing distance between us had started to worry me.