All of My Heart Read online

  ‘Of course, you are! What made you doubt that?’

  ‘Nothing.’ I smiled at her. I was relieved.

  ‘So, will you come?’

  ‘Yes, I will,’ I nodded.

  ‘Awesome! Tomorrow 5 p.m. at my place then. See you!’ She tapped my shoulder lightly before walking away.

  I stared at her till she was out of sight and then smiled to myself.

  After school, I went straight home. A lot had to be done before the party and there wasn’t much time. First, I needed to decide what I would wear. I opened my cupboard and pulled out all my clothes. I pinched myself even as I picked out my shirts. It was hard to believe that she had invited me. She considered me her friend. Her friend. The thought made me smile.

  It suddenly hit me that I hadn’t decided what I would give her. I did not have enough money to buy an expensive gift but I did not want her rich friends to pick on me for getting a cheap one. Since she loved the photograph I’d taken of her, I decided to frame it for her.

  The Party

  I wore a black suit to Zynah’s birthday party. Amma had had it stitched a year ago for me to wear at my cousin’s wedding. I wasn’t sure if I should have worn it but Amma insisted. She wanted me to be the most handsome boy there. I couldn’t understand why. I thought that girls went for rich guys, not good-looking ones. Not that I thought that I was very good-looking, just average. This truth hit me harder when I stood in front of the mirror, clad in the suit.

  I had spent a lot of time in packing Zynah’s birthday gift the night before the party. So, I was careful with it and placed it gently next to me in the car. I hoped that she would like it. The party was to begin at 5 p.m., but I went half an hour early.

  The gate to Zynah’s house was open and I saw that some of the guests had already started to arrive, pulling up in their lavish cars. I parked my modest, second-hand Honda Civic at the far end of the road, away from the luxury cars, and walked to the house. A tent had been erected on the lawn, which had been decorated with fairy lights. I scanned the lawn and spotted a few of Zynah’s friends from our class. They threw shocked glances at me, as if it was hard for them to believe that I had also been invited to the party. The lawn was abuzz with chatter—some were discussing their big businesses, others rattled on about their shopping plans and discussed plans for their foreign holidays. Their superficial banter made me smile to myself. I wondered who amongst these were Zynah’s parents.

  I was holding Zynah’s gift close to myself, making sure that it was safe.

  ‘Rehaan!’ Zynah called out to me from across the lawn.

  She was a vision. I’d never seen her dressed as a girl before. She had chosen an ethnic dress for the evening—a pink and orange salwar-kameez set.

  ‘I am so glad that you’ve come!’ she said, her kohl-outlined eyes sparkling.

  Her lips, made prominent with a luscious shade of pink lipstick, stretched into a smile. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  ‘What happened?’ she asked, as I continued to stare at her without responding to her greeting. ‘Don’t I look nice? Or are you also going to make fun of me like my other friends?’

  ‘No. No. No. Zynah, you look . . . beautiful,’ I said.

  She blushed and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ears.

  ‘Happy birthday,’ I said and handed her the gift.

  ‘Why did you bring this, Rehaan? It wasn’t necessary,’ she said, but took it from me.

  ‘I hope you like it.’ I smiled.

  She smiled back. I kept thinking how beautiful she looked.

  ‘Come, let’s go meet the others,’ she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away with her. I towed behind her, happy as a lovesick puppy.

  One by one, she introduced me to her friends. I already knew all of them since they were in my class, but I wasn’t friends with any of them.

  The lawn started to fill with more guests. Zynah excused herself from her circle of friends and went to greet the new arrivals, leaving me there. I did not want to engage with them and kept quiet but one of them tried to strike up a conversation with me.

  ‘Rehaan, are you the person who is teaching Zynah how to drive?’ asked Salman.

  I did not respond.

  ‘What do you mean, Salman? Are you saying that he is Zynah’s driver?’ Javeria asked.

  ‘Yes. He is her driver,’ Salman said, the sarcasm dripping from his words. The rest started to giggle.

  ‘That is the best job Zynah could have offered someone like Rehaan,’ Javeria said, and lapsed into another fit of giggles.

  My cheeks reddened with anger and humiliation. Why did Zynah have to tell her friends about our driving lessons? They made it seem as if teaching her to drive was a very menial job. I walked away, their words still ringing in my ears. I saw Zynah talking to someone. The smile on her face faded when she saw my expression.

  ‘What happened?’ Ì could make out the words she mouthed, an expression of concern on her face. I did not reply. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and before they could start to stream down my face, I turned towards the exit.

  ‘Rehaan! Wait! Rehaan!’ I could hear Zynah call out to me several times from behind but I did not slow down my pace or stop. I hurried towards my car.

  ‘Rehaan! I am asking you to stop right now!’ Zynah’s voice had now taken an angry tone.

  I gulped back the tears and turned to look at her.

  Zynah walked over to where I stood.

  ‘What happened, haan? What’s the matter? Why are you leaving so soon?’

  ‘I need to go, all right. I need to go,’ I said, not looking into her eyes.

  ‘But why?’ She caught hold of my arm and made me look at her. ‘What happened?’

  ‘Did you tell your friends that I am your driver?’ I asked, not being able to control myself.

  ‘What?’ She seemed shocked.

  ‘Yes. That’s what I am to you, isn’t it? A driver.’

  ‘It’s . . . it’s not like that. It’s not true,’ she whispered, almost in disbelief.

  ‘It is true, Zynah, it is true,’ I said. I couldn’t help the tear that managed to escape my eye and rolled down my cheek.

  ‘No . . . not at all. Come here,’ she said, pulling me close and wrapping her arms around my neck.

  My heart decided to take a break from work, my knees shook, my tongue dried up—the world as I knew it screeched to a deafening halt.

  ‘Both of us know what you mean to me,’ she whispered, still holding me in her arms.

  I managed to scoop some air into my lungs, my arms limp down my sides. I wanted to hold her too but I didn’t know if I should.

  ‘What do I . . . mean to you, Zynah?’ I ventured. The break seemed to have rejuvenated my heart, which was now beating faster than it ever had.

  Still holding me, Zynah arched her torso back and stared into my face. Her face was a few inches from mine, I could feel her breath on mine. Her arms still hung around my neck. She cocked her head to a side and leaned her face closer to mine. She closed her eyes, I closed mine, my heart taking its beating business to a new level. Her soft lips clasped mine and pulled at them ever so gently and then let go.

  This was the first time a girl had kissed me. When I opened my eyes, the lights had dimmed around me and everything was out of focus, except Zynah’s face. She was looking at me. She relaxed the grip of her arms on my neck and took a few steps back. She tucked the loose strands of hair behind her ears and then turned her gaze away. I did not know what to make of the situation. She looked nervous. Tiny bolts of electricity fired at each of my nerve endings. The nervousness on her face relaxed into a smile, which I returned. She turned around and walked away with measured steps. In our first meeting, Zynah had stolen a piece of my heart, now she had all of it. I wondered if she even knew it, as I saw her disappear into the crowd.

  The Unexpected

  I woke up groggy the next morning, unable to open my eyes. I could hear Amma and Abba yelling at each other
. She’d asked him to pay the overdue telephone bill to which he replied that he didn’t have the money. As I got out of bed, I realized I had a splitting headache. I rubbed the back of my head with my hand, trying to get rid of the pain. It did not work. The highlights of Zynah’s birthday party last night flashed in front of my eyes. I had left the party with mixed feelings. I had been humiliated by Zynah’s friends and felt hurt by their jibes, almost on the verge of crying. Then, Zynah had followed me out to stop me from leaving and when I asked her what I meant to her, she had responded by kissing me. I touched my lips and realized I was smiling.

  ‘What’s up, bhai? What’s with the smile, haan?’ Azaan asked, teasing me.

  ‘Nothing,’ I said and threw a pillow at him.

  I took a shower and quickly dressed for school. I was looking forward to seeing Zynah. I had a lot of questions after last night. She had kissed me. Were we more than friends? I wanted to know what she had to say.

  I parked my car at the school parking lot and headed towards my class and her. I didn’t spot her in the English class. Perhaps she was not in the class yet. I plonked down on my seat and looked around. I saw her friends on the back benches. Zynah was not with them.

  I realized that her driving classes were also over. It meant that I would not meet her that day. I did send a few text messages to her phone but she did not reply. I was worried if she was ignoring me deliberately or if something was wrong. I contemplated asking her friends but rejected the idea. Those who considered me a driver would not tell me anything about her.

  ‘Rehaan, why do you look so messed up?’ Ahmed asked me during recess.

  ‘I don’t know. I don’t know where she is,’ I told him, biting into my nail.

  ‘C’mon, dude. She must be at home today. Perhaps resting? These rich people’s parties last till late in the night. She must have danced all night and is now sleeping till late.’

  I considered what Ahmed had said and then tried to change the subject.

  ‘Maybe you’re right. Let’s forget about it. I have to revise for the test.’ I picked up my textbook and started to read.

  ‘Yeah, we better do that.’

  I sent her a few more text messages in the evening while I was at Shaidi Mamu’s office. There was still no reply. Finally, at night, I mustered some courage and gave her a call. The phone rang at first and was then switched off. It seemed unusual to me. All I could do was to wait till the next day and see if she showed up at school.

  However, Zynah did not come to school all of the next week. Finally, my patience ran out and I asked her friends.

  ‘Why isn’t she coming to school?’ I asked Salman and Javeria during the lunch break.

  ‘Who?’ Salman asked nonchalantly.

  ‘You know whom I am talking about.’ I crossed my arms.

  ‘Zynah?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You don’t know? We thought you were her friend.’ He started laughing.

  I crossed my brows in confusion.

  ‘Well, we’re sorry about the other night. We didn’t mean to offend you. Zynah didn’t like it when we joked about you. She was angry with all of us. So yeah, sorry about that,’ Javeria said, pursing her lips together.

  I was happy that Zynah had gone to her friends and asked them to apologize to me. I felt like hugging her at that moment.

  ‘It’s fine. Can you tell me where she is?’

  ‘She’s moving to London with her family. Their flight departs tomorrow.’

  ‘What?’ I said. I felt the words suck the life out of my body.

  ‘We thought she told you,’ Salman said with a tone of surprise in his voice.

  ‘No, she didn’t,’ I said.

  ‘Doesn’t matter, mate. It’s not like you can do anything about it. She’s leaving anyway.’

  The Goodbyes

  How could she just leave for London without even telling me about it? She never told me of her family’s plans to move though we had spent so much time together. I drove to her home. I did not care what time of the day it was or if I was making the right choice in going there. I simply had to meet her before she moved far away from me.

  I parked my car, and was greeted by a guard outside the gate.

  ‘Jee Sahib, whom do you want to meet?’ he asked me.

  ‘Zynah . . . I want to meet Zynah,’ I said, out of breath in my rush.

  ‘Why do you want to meet?’

  ‘I’m her friend. I used to give her driving lessons. Don’t you remember me? Now, please let me go in.’

  He blocked my way, putting an arm in front of me.

  ‘Listen, please, let me go in. I need to talk to her!’ I raised my voice and he backed a few steps.

  ‘What’s going on outside?’ A middle-aged man in spectacles, probably Zynah’s father, stepped in. ‘Who is this guy, Bashir?’

  ‘Sahib Jee, he is asking for Zynah bibi,’ the guard told him.

  ‘Why, who are you?’ the bespectacled man asked, his eyebrows crossing into a frown.

  ‘I’m Rehaan, Zynah’s classmate and her . . . her driving instructor.’

  ‘Oh. Why didn’t you tell us earlier, young man? Come on inside,’ he said, as he patted me on my shoulder and led me in. The guard glared at me as I made my way inside.

  ‘I’m Zynah’s dad, by the way,’ he told me, as he gestured me to take a seat in the drawing room.

  ‘Glad to meet you, sir.’

  ‘Let me call Zynah. She’s upstairs. Would you like to have something?’

  ‘No, sir, thank you but I’m fine,’ I said and smiled at him.

  He excused himself and went outside, closing the door behind him.

  The drawing room spelt luxury with heavy curtains, large and comfortable sofas and a woollen carpet. I heard Zynah’s voice behind the door.

  ‘What? Rehaan is here? Oh, my God!’ she said excitedly before she opened the door to see me. I stood up. She rushed to me and opened her arms for a hug but I resisted it. A look of hurt spread across her face and the corners of her lips drooped downwards.

  ‘Hey,’ she said. The look of hurt gave way to a smile. She was not going to be dampened by my lack of enthusiasm.

  ‘Why did you come here?’

  ‘You never told me that you were leaving for London. Did you?’ I snapped. The hurt and anger came pouring out.

  ‘Oh, that.’ She tapped her head lightly. ‘I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. The plan was made suddenly. Even I found out about it last week.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me about it last week?’

  ‘I don’t know. It just slipped my mind,’ Zynah said, shrugging her shoulders.

  ‘How could it slip . . . why Zynah . . . why are you leaving?’

  She laughed at my reaction.

  ‘Come. Sit with me.’

  We sat down on the sofa.

  ‘Dad wants to shift his business to the UK because he has a lot of clientele over there. He feels we will have a better and more secure future in London.’

  I listened to her but still none of it made sense to me.

  ‘I will be admitted to a good college over there and perhaps land a good job after graduating. In short, I’ll get to do whatever I want. You know the kind of life over there,’ she said with a wink.

  ‘Better future, right?’ I asked, nodding my head.

  She nodded in response.

  ‘And what about me, Zynah? What about us?’

  ‘What about us?’ she said and shrugged her shoulders again. ‘Of course, we’d stay in touch through email. I’ll meet you whenever I visit Pakistan.’

  ‘That’s it?’ I frowned.

  ‘Yeah. What else?’ she asked as if she had no idea what I was talking about.

  ‘Zynah . . . are you pretending that you don’t know or do you really not know?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I thought . . . I thought . . .’ I stammered off into silence.

  ‘What did you think, Rehaan?’

  ‘Zynah, I
thought you had some feelings for me. The same way that I have feelings for you,’ I blurted out, my eyes watering.

  ‘Of course, I do have feelings for you. You’ve become one of my closest friends in such a short time.’

  The phrase—‘one of my closest friends’—sledgehammered my heart into grains of sand that scattered on the floor.

  ‘A close friend? That’s it?’ I said, my voice cracking.

  ‘Yes, Rehaan. You’re my best friend and you know that.’ Zynah patted my thigh.

  ‘What about that . . . that night . . . that kiss . . . ?’

  ‘Oh, that.’ She tucked her hair behind her ears, gathering herself. ‘Well, okay. Let’s just get this straight. It was just . . . just a moment, I guess. I got carried away. I didn’t realize what I was doing. You were looking so cute and I couldn’t control myself,’ she said, and broke into a laugh, her cheeks blushing.

  I stared at her in disbelief. For her, it was just ‘a moment’. The kiss hadn’t meant anything to her.

  ‘So, yeah, everything happened so quickly, I didn’t get the time to think. I know it was stupid . . . ’

  ‘Okay . . . ’ I interrupted her in between because I couldn’t take it any more. ‘I’ve got it . . . ’ I said, standing up. ‘I’ve got it.’

  Zynah got up too and said, ‘Oh, Rehaan . . . I’m going to miss you so much!’ She hugged me tightly.

  ‘I’ll miss you too,’ I managed to reply without breaking down. I resisted from hugging her back. She had ‘friend-zoned’ me and it still smarted.

  ‘You’ll email me, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, my eyes ready to well up with tears.

  ‘By the way, I love the gift you brought for me! I’m going to hang it on my wall,’ she said, still hugging me.

  As I walked outside her house, I wiped off the tears that had come rolling down my eyes and got inside my car. I gripped the steering wheel tight, looking at the cold, lifeless road ahead. I had lost her. I had lost my first love.

  PART TWO

  Rehaan

  The New Life

  Eight Years Later

  Lahore, Pakistan