All of My Heart Page 7

  ‘What? Are you serious?’ Her face fell.

  ‘Yeah, what’s wrong?’

  ‘You’re going to have a lime soda in a nightclub?’ Zynah said with a look of shock on her face.

  I shrugged.

  ‘I bet they don’t even have lime soda on the menu here,’ she said, rolling her eyes.

  ‘Then, what . . . ?’

  ‘Let me order for you.’

  I did not know what she was going to order. I looked around the nightclub. Everyone seemed to be comfortable and were focused on only enjoying the night.

  ‘Two tequila shots, please!’ she told the bartender, beaming.

  I had heard about tequila shots but I had never had a chance to try them. I had never been to a nightclub back in Lahore.

  ‘Hey, are you stupid?’ I hissed in her ear. ‘We can’t drink that.’

  ‘Why not? Are you here for fun or not, Captain?’ she asked.

  ‘I am but . . .’

  ‘Then relax and trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you,’ she said, smiling.

  I looked into her eyes.

  ‘You trust me, right?’ she asked, bringing her face close to mine.

  ‘Yes,’ I whispered.

  ‘Then relax and don’t worry.’

  ‘Okay,’ I sighed, shifting my thoughts back to the tequila shots.

  It was not that I had not tried a drink before that. Occasionally, Ahmed and I would sneak out of college and grab beers. But that’s all I had ever tried. The beer didn’t taste so bad and did not affect my consciousness. Tequila shots were probably another thing. I had no idea what they were going to do to me.

  ‘Do not fret, Captain. I was quite excited when my friends brought me here to drink tequila shots for the first time,’ she told me.

  ‘You’ve tried this before?’ I asked her.

  ‘Yeah, we do hang out here once a month.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  No matter what she did, I loved her. None of her shortcomings could make me un-love her.

  The bartender, a smile fixed on his face, placed our tequila shots on the counter. Zynah also asked him to put some salt and lemon slices on a plate.

  ‘What’s that for?’ I asked, gesturing at the plate.

  ‘Okay, here’s how you drink the tequila. First, you need to lick some salt.’

  ‘Why?’ I frowned.

  ‘The salt lessens the burning effect of the alcohol.’

  ‘Oh.’ I raised my brows. ‘That happens?’

  ‘Yes, it does. After that, you’re going to down the shot immediately. Then, quickly bite into and suck a lemon slice. That will help to balance and enhance the flavour of the tequila. Gotcha?’

  ‘Okay, it seems easy,’ I said, feeling the thrill shoot through my spine.

  ‘So, are you ready?’ she asked, putting a hand over my shoulder.

  ‘Hell, yeah!’

  ‘Let’s go!’ She placed a lemon slice between her thumb and index finger, put a pinch of salt on the back of her hand and held the shot glass in her other hand. She licked the salt off her hand, chugged down the tequila shot and clamped her teeth down on the flesh of the lemon slice with a slight grimace. I tried to follow what she had done. The salt was fine but as soon as the tequila hit my tongue, a burning sensation coursed down my tongue, past my tonsils and all the way to my belly button. I bit on the lemon slice. She was right. It made the sharp taste of the tequila better.

  ‘Whoa!’ I took a step back and exclaimed.

  ‘How was it?’ Zynah asked, wiping her lips with the back of her hand.

  ‘Whoa,’ I said. A switch had turned on a buzz inside my head.

  ‘Want to go for another one?’

  I hesitated, but just for a moment, before I nodded.

  ‘Yes!’ I confirmed. ‘Once again.’

  After having a couple of tequila shots, the buzz in my head became more pronounced and I lost track of time. We drank, we sang, and then we hit the floor to dance. I couldn’t remember if I had ever had this much fun in my life. This had to be the best night since I came to London. I was conscious but I was not—I was oblivious to everything and everyone around me except for what we were doing. I didn’t know if Zynah also felt the same because it was finally she who dragged me from the nightclub. I was still high and hummed songs as we strolled down the lonely streets of London.

  ‘Rehaan, you need to control yourself. Come, let’s sit down for a while,’ she said, pulling me off the road and sitting me down on the pavement. I blinked my eyes and rubbed them with my fingers. The street lights were swimming.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked me with a hint of worry in her tone and concern in her eyes.

  ‘Yes, I’m okay,’ I told her.

  ‘Your condition tells me otherwise. I shouldn’t have let you drink more than one tequila shot.’

  ‘I’m fine, Zynah. I’m really fine. Please don’t worry,’ I reassured her.

  ‘Okay.’

  I couldn’t feel any worry about being drunk—I was busy experiencing the million bolts of electricity shooting through my body while Zynah held my hand in hers. I stared down at our hands interlocked, then back at her face and smiled. She smiled back.

  ‘You know, you asked me where I find my peace before we were about to enter the St. Pancras Old Church,’ I said.

  ‘Hmm?’ she hummed quietly, avoiding my gaze.

  ‘Here. With you,’ I finally told her.

  I waited to catch the reaction on her face but she didn’t turn towards me. She stared at the road. I could make out that her eyes were not focused on anything in particular. I thought that perhaps she hadn’t heard me. Now, I felt stupid blurting it out.

  ‘Zynah,’ I said, my voice croaky. ‘Are you listening?’

  ‘It’s so easy to talk about your feelings to someone . . . I wish I had that courage too,’ she said, looking away dreamily.

  Her words made me think that perhaps she also felt the same way. Perhaps she wanted to say so.

  ‘Of course, you can talk about it,’ I encouraged her, holding her hand firmly.

  Suddenly, I felt stronger. The high from the tequila ebbed.

  ‘Okay, let’s look at it this way. We can express our feelings about someone to them but what really scares me is the uncertainty of how they will respond. Will they reciprocate your love or reject it?’ she said and looked at me with questioning eyes.

  ‘The person who rejects you will be a fool, Zynah,’ I told her. ‘A really BIG fool.’

  ‘How can you say that?’ she asked me, her eyes gleaming.

  ‘Because, you’re a wonderful woman. You’re . . . you’re amazing,’ I stuttered, unable to find the right words to describe what she meant to me. I was short of words to say all of the things I had thought I might someday say to her.

  ‘Do you think he thinks the same of me?’ she asked, her voice softening, her gaze still affixed on the horizon.

  ‘Of course,’ I responded abruptly and then the meaning of her words hit me.

  Zynah had turned her face and was now looking at me. I stared back at her, the effects of the tequila had left my brain and a cloud of doubt hung low.

  ‘He?’ I asked, perplexed. ‘Who’s he?’

  Did she mean me? Maybe she was incoherent right now.

  ‘Oh . . . damn . . .’ she said and clamped her hands over her mouth, her eyes widening.

  ‘What happened?’ I asked, concerned.

  The cloud of doubt had travelled down from over my head and was now a storm of fear in my heart. I felt an ache but I could not focus on it. I had to know what she meant.

  ‘I’m sorry I haven’t told you about him all this while . . .’ she whispered, her voice slowly sinking away.

  ‘About whom, Zynah?’ I asked. The pain in my chest had become duller.

  ‘About Aariz!’ she blurted out finally.

  The words stabbed into my heart.

  ‘Aariz?’ I asked her, and gulped.

  ‘Yeah, Aariz. Aariz Kamran. My boss, the
managing director of FK Designs, son of my dad’s close friend and the person I am in love with.’

  Nobody else heard the loud explosion that followed. My heart burst into tiny shards that seared the dull pain across my entire chest. No one saw the damage except for me. My whole body became numb. My eyes became watery. The saliva burned in my throat—more than the tequila had.

  ‘Damn . . . I should have told you about him a long time ago!’ she said.

  I saw her elbow nudge me but I did not feel it. I could no longer feel any sensations.

  ‘So, here’s what happened . . .’ she said, without waiting for me to respond. ‘I finished college and was bored to death. Daddy wanted me to join his friend’s firm. At first, I rejected the idea but when he told me that it was an interior design company, I decided to go for it. So, I joined the company as an intern last year and was later absorbed as an assistant designer. That’s where I met Aariz.’

  I looked down at my hands. I didn’t know if I had heard her story properly. Everything around me seemed hazy.

  ‘It seems he wasn’t supposed to work in his dad’s firm but since he was the only son, he had to take over. He moved from Canada to London and took over the firm. I met Aariz briefly at a party hosted by his father to introduce him and that’s where I lost my heart to him. You know? Love at first sight . . .’

  I winced when I heard that.

  ‘I never believed in love at first sight but Aariz changed me. Everything about him is so magical, I can’t even begin to tell you! He has a charismatic personality. He’s so sophisticated, talented and decent. There’s not a single girl in our office who hasn’t had a crush on him,’ she said, smiling to herself. ‘He’s the kind of person even men would like to be with.’ She laughed and said, ‘I’m sure you’ll like him too!’

  ‘Does he know that you . . . that you like him too?’ I managed to ask, my voice cracking up.

  Why couldn’t she see how hurt I was? Had she even heard or understood the meaning of what I had said before she launched into describing her feelings for Aariz?

  ‘Well, I am sure he knows. Our families know what I feel for him. Daddy, Mummy, Uncle Kamran and Aunty Raima, everyone knows. In fact, Uncle Kamran, Aariz’s father, has also asked him to marry me.’

  ‘What?’ I could not believe my ears.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said and let out a laugh. ‘I’m not getting married right away. He hasn’t agreed yet. He wants to take some time before making the decision. But, deep down, I know he likes me. And, I’m sure he’s going to agree very soon.’ She giggled.

  I turned my face away; tears were now flowing down my cheeks.

  The Loss

  It was hard for me to cope with the reality of the heartbreak. I had somewhat endured the pain of Zynah leaving me when she had moved from Lahore to London a few years back but I had no idea how I was supposed to deal with this now. I wish I’d downed a few more tequila shots to forget whatever she said to me that night. Bearing the loss a second time around wouldn’t be easy for me. Had Zynah only said that she liked someone, it may have been easier. But Zynah did not only like him, she was keen to marry him. She wanted to start a life with him. It was not a schoolgirl crush. She was serious about Aariz and being with him. After she told me her story, initially I thought that she might not be serious because she was drunk that night. But I was wrong.

  The next morning I woke up to her call, and she asked me if I was hung-over from the night before. She apologized for making me drink too much. I lied and told her that I was fine. The conversation went smoothly for a while till she mentioned Aariz again. She apologized that she had not told me about him earlier. I had not met him yet but I felt hatred upon hearing his name. I wished that the night before had been an ugly dream. I wished I had woken up the next day and everything turned back to the way it was before. But it was real and realities do not change at whim. You have to accept them. Aariz was still very much there. Zynah was still serious about him. After I heard her apologize for not telling me about him, I changed the topic and lied to her that I was getting late for class. She told me that she wanted to meet me but I ignored her. I managed to end the call.

  I got up from the bed and rushed into the washroom. As I splashed water on to my face, I realized what I had got myself into. Did I really come to London for love and heartbreaks? To deal with a messy love life? I had come here to study, to become independent and earn well enough to provide for my family. As my own reality hit me, I sat down on the toilet seat and thought about the direction my life was taking. I had deviated from my purpose because of Zynah. She had broken my heart back in high school but I would not let her do it again. I would face this heartbreak and fight it.

  The Ignorance

  A week had passed since the night Zynah had taken me to the nightclub and since she had told me about Aariz. I hadn’t taken her phone calls since then nor had I replied to her text messages. I had many reasons to ignore her. She had broken my heart, yet again. I was angry at her and I wanted to tell her that. But, I was angrier at her for not being able to comprehend my feelings, for ignoring them when I had almost poured my heart out to her. Was that not what had set her off on a rant about her feelings for Aariz? Whenever I had met her earlier, it was always evident on my face how much I loved her. My final exams were fast approaching and I could not afford to give heed to these thoughts, the turmoil and the pain.

  I promised myself that I would not break down. I wanted to stay strong and stick to the purpose I’d come here for. When she finally realized I’d been ignoring her, Zynah drove to my place one night. She sent me a text message after arriving below my residence and asked me to come outside. I cursed myself for having given her my address. The night was freezing cold and I was only dressed in a loose cardigan and pyjamas. She seemed amused by my appearance. I frowned at her.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked her, my brows furrowing.

  I was seeing her after a week and it felt soothing. I had missed her. At the same time, the wound was still fresh. She stopped laughing after she heard me and her face became serious.

  ‘What’s wrong with me?’ she asked. ‘Dude, what’s wrong with you? Why haven’t you been receiving my calls?’

  ‘I have my finals. I told you over the phone,’ I said and looked away.

  ‘Couldn’t you even bother to reply to my texts? Are you that busy, nerdy?’ she asked in a teasing tone.

  ‘I told you I was busy with my exams, Zynah. Don’t you get it?’ I asked her sternly.

  ‘Go fuck your exams then, Captain,’ she cursed me, hopped back into her car and drove away.

  I stood in the freezing cold, my jaw hanging in shock.

  The next day, I decided to give Zynah a call. She cut my calls initially but accepted one after a few more attempts.

  ‘What do you want?’ she asked curtly.

  ‘I want to talk to you. In fact, I want to meet you.’

  ‘Fine. Today 5 p.m. Music store,’ Click. She had hung up the phone.

  I finished my work at the convenience store and took the Tube to meet her. At the music store, Zynah was in one of the aisles, large pink headphones astride her head.

  ‘Hi,’ I said to her with a wave and a smile.

  ‘Hi,’ she paused chewing her gum and returned my greeting with what was clearly a fake smile.

  ‘Uh, what’s up?’ I asked, walking closer to her.

  ‘Nothing. You had to say something?’ she asked, changing the topic.

  ‘Look,’ I said with a sigh. ‘You don’t have to act so uptight, okay? Everything’s cool.’

  ‘Am I acting uptight? Oh, really?’ she took off her headphones and put them down on the counter. ‘Who was acting uptight last night?’ she said, crossing her arms, waiting for me to respond.

  ‘I know I acted like a jerk. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Oh, right. So you’re sorry now,’ she said, rolling her eyes.

  ‘Yeah, I am,’ I said, and raised my arms
up in the air in mock surrender.

  ‘You really want me to forgive you?’ she asked, raising a brow.

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Cool. But, you have to work for it.’

  ‘Work? What work?’ I asked.

  ‘Come with me.’

  Had I known that all she needed was a scoop of ice cream to forgive me, I would have come armed with some. I got her a two-scoop cup of Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge brownie flavour from the store next door and she quickly grabbed it from my hands. I looked at her while she ate her ice cream. I wished she knew how much I cared for her and loved her…

  As we walked to the closest Tube station, she began to talk.

  ‘You know, I really think I should have told you about Aariz much earlier,’ she said, looking down.

  The mention of his name annoyed me but I didn’t show it when I turned to look at her.

  ‘We have been friends for a long time but I never brought up his name in front of you. I’m sorry. I know it’s my fault. I was behaving like a happy-go-lucky person all this while. I didn’t care about the world, but look at me now. What a sick, lovelorn girl I have become,’ she said with a nervous giggle.

  I looked down, hiding the discomfort in my eyes.

  ‘You know, I’ve known him for only a few months and it already seems like a lifetime,’ she said, sighing, with a lost expression on her face.

  ‘Zynah?’ I asked, looking at her.

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘Do you really love him?’

  She stopped midway and turned to look at me. I stopped and looked at her too. Her eyes didn’t say anything. I wish I could understand what was going on in her head but her face betrayed nothing. After a few seconds, she slowly nodded at me and then resumed walking.

  ‘Why?’ I asked her, to which she stopped again.

  ‘What kind of a question is that?’ she snorted as she turned around to look back at me.

  ‘It’s a simple question. Why do you think you love him?’

  ‘There’s nothing about Aariz that can stop someone from loving him. He’s everything a man should be. He’s extremely handsome, affluent, well-settled in a career, sophisticated and comes from a decent family. He’s got everything a girl desires.’