All of My Heart Read online

  ‘Is that all?’ I asked, quite surprised at her typical girlish response.

  ‘Of course! What else could there be?’

  ‘No, actually, I was thinking . . . what if you merely have a crush on him? What if it is just an infatuation? Perhaps you’re confusing attraction with love.’

  Her expression grew serious.

  ‘Rehaan, I’m not a child. I would have known if I merely had a crush on him but I don’t. So, stop doubting my feelings for him,’ she snapped back and then started to walk again.

  I quickened my pace to match her steps.

  ‘All right, all right. I’m sorry. I know now that you love him but what about him? Does he love you the way you do?’

  ‘Of course, he does!’ she said. I could sense the annoyance in her tone.

  ‘Has he ever told you?’ I grilled her even more.

  ‘No, he hasn’t but he will!’

  ‘How can you be so sure of that?’ I asked. ‘What if he never does? What if you’re living an illusion? What if he doesn’t love you?’

  ‘Shut up, Rehaan. It’s nothing like that!’

  ‘Maybe it is, Zynah. That’s why he hasn’t agreed to marry you.’

  She stopped once again and looked at me, her face dead serious.

  ‘What fool would delay in marrying you, huh? Tell me,’ I asked her in a demanding tone.

  ‘Stop it, Rehaan. Just stop it! What’s your problem? Why are you acting like a fucktard since the moment I told you about Aariz?’ she asked, fuming.

  I looked around, anger filling every cell of my body.

  ‘Maybe you’re jealous!’ she snapped.

  ‘What? Why would I be jealous of him?’ I was shocked.

  ‘Because Aariz has everything and you don’t!’

  ‘What the hell are you saying? I don’t give a damn about what he has.’

  ‘That’s good, now, listen to me,’ she said, pointing a finger at me. ‘I don’t want to hear anything else from you on this topic, regarding him. Do you understand?’

  ‘Fine, even I don’t want to talk about him,’ I mumbled, running my fingers through my hair. I couldn’t believe what she had just said. Did she really love him for these superficial reasons?

  ‘I am going home. I don’t think I want to be with you right now. Bye,’ she said, taking faster strides towards the Tube station.

  The Inevitable

  It had been a few weeks since Zynah and I had spoken to each other. I had got busy preparing for my midterms and then had spent extra hours at the store. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t missed Zynah. I would check my phone often, hoping to receive a call or message from her. But that never happened. My three-week semester break had begun and I was trying hard to keep myself busy and not think about her.

  I looked at the clock as it struck 11 p.m. It was a Saturday evening but I was still at the store, working a double shift. I sauntered out around midnight and slowly made my way towards the apartment. As I stepped on to the porch, I saw Vikram and Avantika exiting the front door.

  ‘Hey dude, what’s up?’ Vikram asked, shutting the door behind him.

  ‘Nothing, just tired. Had a double shift today,’ I said, climbing up the stairs.

  ‘Tired already? It’s Saturday night!’ Vikram exclaimed. ‘We’re going to the pub down the road. Do you want to come along for a few drinks?’

  I narrowed my eyes, thinking what to do. I had had a long day and was allowed a little fun, so I said yes.

  We drove to the pub in Vikram’s car. Vikram and Avantika got busy with their friends as soon we entered, leaving me alone. I walked towards the bar to get myself a drink. A blonde wearing a short electric-blue dress was perched atop a bar stool, her gaze fixed on me. She smiled at me coquettishly and beckoned me to join her.

  She asked me to buy her a drink, so I ordered a tequila shot for her. When she realized I hadn’t ordered anything for myself, she called the bartender and ordered one for me as well.

  She winked at me before downing her drink and then ordered another round. I took a deep breath and gulped mine too, one after the other. She ordered another round and then another. I soon lost track and drained shot after shot. She then held my hand and led me to the dance floor. She put her arms around my neck and started swaying to the music. I tried to match her steps but was reminded of Zynah and our night together. Her face flashed in front of my eyes. I felt dizzy and the music felt uncomfortably loud. The darkness closed in on me and I felt trapped in the girl’s arms. I moved away from her as a wave of claustrophobia hit me. I ran out of the club in a panic, my heart thudding in my chest. I leaned against a wall and tried to get my bearings. I folded my arms against the biting wind and walked unsteadily in the direction of my apartment. I couldn’t see where I was going and before I knew it, I was in the middle of the road. Headlights from a speeding car blinded me and I covered my face with my arm. I waited and waited until I heard a loud bang.

  After a few hours, I woke up in my bedroom. My body ached. My head hurt. I sat up and checked the time on my cell phone—it was 2 a.m.

  ‘Rehaan, how are you feeling now?’ Avantika peeped into the room, holding a mug in her hands. Vikram stood behind her.

  ‘Yeah, I feel better,’ I said, dragging myself out of the bed.

  ‘Why did you drink so much if you knew you wouldn’t be able to handle it?’ Avantika asked as she sat next to me.

  ‘I don’t know . . . I don’t remember anything. How did I . . . end up here?’

  ‘We found you walking in the middle of the road. Vikram saved you in the nick of time.’

  I looked at Vikram and he nodded reassuringly.

  ‘We brought you home and splashed water on your face, but you wouldn’t wake up. You kept asking for Zynah in your sleep.’

  My face crimsoned on hearing this.

  ‘What? Did I really say her name?’ I asked, embarrassed.

  ‘You are in love with this girl, huh?’ Vikram teased me.

  ‘We were so worried and decided to call Zynah here. It seemed like the reasonable thing to do.’

  ‘Wait, what did you do?’ My heart thumped loudly in my chest.

  ‘We got Zynah’s number from your phone and called her. Simple,’ Vikram said.

  ‘What?’ I stood up, feeling a rush of adrenaline. ‘Why would you guys do that?’ I scowled.

  ‘Because we didn’t have an option.’

  ‘Damn,’ I hissed.

  ‘She is on her way,’ Avantika said. ‘You’d better have a cup of coffee before she comes.’

  ‘No! I am absolutely fine, just tell me, why did you call her?’

  ‘Well, you just woke up. You were in a really bad state an hour ago. You should thank us for not contacting your family members.’

  ‘Damn, damn, damn . . .’ I said, pacing the room.

  ‘Wait, I think she’s already here. I heard a car pull up in the driveway,’ Vikram said and left the room.

  I cursed them under my breath.

  Zynah was waiting for me outside the house. I put on a navy-blue cardigan and went out to meet her. She seemed angry. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her.

  ‘Zynah . . .’ I mumbled as I approached her.

  ‘What the hell is wrong with you, Captain? You want to get yourself killed?’ she asked, her face red with anger.

  ‘Zynah . . .’

  ‘Don’t touch me!’ she screamed. ‘What do you think you’re doing? Huh? What’s your problem? Are you depressed? Are you out of your mind? What is wrong with you, Rehaan? What is it?’

  ‘You!’ I yelled. ‘You are my problem, Zynah. You!’ I said, raising my finger.

  Her expression changed from anger to shock. My words brought colour to her face and she looked away.

  ‘What?’ she whispered. ‘What do . . . you . . . mean?’

  ‘In fact,’ I said, ‘I never got over you, Zynah. Not even when you left Pakistan.’

  She looked at me, half astonished, half confused.

  ‘
That’s true, Zynah. I have had feelings for you since we were in school and I . . . I can’t bear the thought of you being with someone else. I can’t see you with anyone else other than me,’ I said, and stepped closer, my hands around her shoulders.

  She looked into my eyes, shocked.

  ‘I love you, Zynah. I’ve . . . always loved you,’ I whispered, my grip tightening.

  ‘Rehaan . . .’ she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief.

  ‘It was love at first sight. Now you tell me . . . Who deserves you more? Me or that guy who doesn’t even give a shit about you?’

  ‘Rehaan, listen to me . . .’ she said, fidgeting with her scarf.

  ‘Who deserves your love? Me or him?’ I asked again.

  ‘Rehaan . . . you’re not in your senses . . .’

  ‘Who deserves to be with you, Zynah? Who deserves to see you, to feel you, to touch you . . .?’ I said, leaning closer and planting a kiss on her lips.

  ‘Stop it, Rehaan! What the hell are you doing?’ she screamed and pushed me forcefully.

  I just stood there, my head hung low in shame.

  ‘We are friends, Rehaan, for God’s sake!’ her voice softened as she took a step towards me. ‘What’s wrong with you? God . . . come here . . .’ she said and held me in an embrace.

  I embraced her back, forgetting everything around us. I took in her fragrance and buried my face in her hair. She ran her hand through my hair and tried to calm me down. But nothing felt right. There was a storm brewing inside me.

  ‘Rehaan, what we feel for each other is love . . . I understand that. But we love each other as friends. It’s nothing more than that . . . You need to understand that,’ she whispered.

  I kept quiet as I didn’t agree with her. What I felt was love; it was more than friendship.

  ‘I love you, Rehaan, but only as a friend . . . I have feelings for someone else. I love Aariz . . .’

  I pulled away and looked at her in bewilderment.

  ‘Rehaan, listen to me . . .’ she said, reaching for my hand, but I shook her off.

  ‘No!’ I raised my hand, interrupting her. ‘You don’t understand me, Zynah. This is not friendship. This is love. I love you, Zynah. With all my heart and soul.’

  ‘Please stop it, Rehaan,’ she said, closing her eyes.

  ‘Believe me . . . for once,’ I pleaded, my eyes boring into hers.

  ‘I can’t take this any more. I’m leaving,’ she said and ran back to her car. I realized I was losing her. Or perhaps I’d already lost her. I rushed towards her and banged on her car window.

  ‘You need to go back inside. Take some rest. You’re not thinking clearly,’ she told me as she rolled down the window.

  ‘Zynah, listen to me . . . Understand what I’m saying. He is just not right for you.’

  ‘Shut the hell up, Rehaan. You can’t decide who is right or wrong for me. Just mind your own fucking business!’ she said, her eyes filled with hatred.

  ‘I don’t want to see you ever again!’ she said and revved the engine.

  I moved away, my body shaking with rage. ‘I wish he dies, Zynah. I wish your Aariz dies!’ I screamed at the top of my voice.

  She stopped her car and jutted her head out to look at me.

  ‘I wish he cheats on you. I wish he rejects you. I wish he turns out to be a criminal. I wish he turns out to be gay!’ I yelled.

  Vikram and Avantika came running out of the house when they realized what was happening.

  Zynah looked at me in shock, her eyes filled with tears.

  ‘Come inside, Rehaan. I think you’re done here!’ Vikram said and grabbed me by my arm, dragging me inside the house.

  The Misery

  When I was not working, I spent most of my free time in bed. I rarely spoke to anyone back home. I crawled into bed as soon as I got home from work, ignoring Vikram and Avantika. I did not even step downstairs apart from getting something to eat. Both Vikram and Avantika tried to talk sense into me but I did not listen.

  I had lost all contact with Zynah. She had said she would never see me again let alone talk to me. I had also promised myself not to see her ever. She chose someone else. She chose to ignore my feelings. So I chose to forget her. I realized it was for the best. When I did not answer calls from home for some days, it worried my family members, who sensed that something was wrong. Shaidi Mamu managed to get hold of Vikram’s phone number from Rahim Uncle and called Vikram on his phone. Vikram told him what I was going through and how I was dealing with the heartbreak. Shaidi Mamu told Amma about the course my love story had taken. She called Vikram and requested him to get me to talk to her.

  ‘What the hell?’ I asked Vikram when he thrust the phone on to my ear.

  ‘You have a call from home,’ he said.

  ‘What?’ I said, shocked. Vikram pulled his hand away, and I managed to catch the phone just before it fell.

  ‘Talk, please,’ Vikram said and walked into the kitchenette.

  ‘Wait, what did you tell them?’ I called after him, putting a hand over the speaker.

  ‘Whatever they have a right to know!’ Vikram shouted back.

  I panicked. So, my family now knew what I was going through. Vikram had told them everything. About me. About Zynah. About my heartbreak. I took a deep breath, gathering the courage to speak to them.

  ‘Hello?’ I said.

  ‘Rehaan! Beta, are you all right? Where have you been?’ Amma asked in a worried tone.

  ‘I’m fine, Amma. Don’t worry. Everything’s fine here.’

  ‘What is this that we have heard about you? What are you up to in London?’

  ‘Amma . . . Nothing,’ I stammered.

  ‘Are you involved with some girl?’ she asked.

  I was scared and did not know how to respond. Had I told them the truth, my family would have been disappointed in me.

  ‘No, Amma. There’s no girl. I was just feeling sick and I’m fine now. You know how life here is. It is tough. I was stressed out because of the exams but I’m doing much better now.’

  ‘Is some girl troubling you? Tell me, Rehaan. Vikram has told us everything,’ she persisted.

  ‘There’s nothing to tell.’ I kept up the lie. ‘Please trust me.’

  ‘But beta, we are worried for you.’

  ‘Amma, I said I’m fine. Please don’t worry.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Acha, beta, please answer our calls, okay?’

  ‘Okay, I will.’

  ‘Acha, now talk to Azaan. He is eager to talk to you.’

  Amma passed the phone to Azaan, Abba and then Shaidi Mamu. All of them seemed concerned for me and complained that I had been out of touch for too long. I wondered if I’d really created a mess for myself. After I was done with the phone call, I looked for Vikram to return his phone but he was nowhere to be found. I headed upstairs and before I could knock on his door, Avantika opened it from inside, clad in a nightdress. I hesitated briefly before looking up at her and then handed her Vikram’s phone. As I turned to walk away, she held me by my hand.

  ‘You wanna talk?’ she asked.

  She brewed coffee for the both of us while I waited on the couch in the TV lounge. A football match played on the TV in the background but I wasn’t watching it.

  ‘Here you go,’ she said and handed me a cup of coffee.

  ‘Thanks, Avantika,’ I told her.

  ‘Do you know how Vikram and I met?’ she asked. ‘We met in college four years ago.’

  I put down my cup on the coffee table.

  ‘We did not like each other at first. Whenever he was close, I used to run away,’ she said with a laugh. ‘But then, one day, when I saved him from getting expelled, we became friends and that’s how it began.’

  I smiled at her.

  ‘His parents were against our relationship. They still are. But Vikram is adamant on being with me.’

  ‘But why are they against your relationship?’ I asked, curious.
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  ‘Because I don’t match up to their expectations. I belong to a middle-class family and his family is much richer than mine,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘His family thinks I am a gold-digger, out to trap their son for money.’

  I considered her response, slowly nodding.

  ‘Vikram says true love fights against all odds. The day his parents realize that his happiness lies with me, and only me, they’ll stop opposing our love and accept us.’

  I stirred the coffee in my cup, the difficulty of their relationship sinking in.

  ‘Perhaps there is a lesson in there for you, Rehaan,’ Avantika said, putting her hand over mine. ‘You should also realize that maybe Zynah is happy with someone else. If you love her, you should prioritize her happiness.’

  I looked at her, confused as hell.

  ‘Learn to be happy for her. Find your happiness in hers and move on.’

  Tears welled up in my eyes, but I tried not to blink.

  ‘Do not ruin your friendship with her. It is precious, sacred. Appreciate it and never let it go.’

  I wiped my tears and nodded at her.

  ‘Go and talk to her. Make up with her.’

  She clasped my hand firmly.

  I nodded; the firmness of her grip helped me gather my resolve.

  ‘Thank you, Avantika. Thank you.’ I held her hand back and pressed it firmly.

  I changed my clothes in a jiffy and booked an Uber. On my way, I kept trying to reach Zynah but her number was not reachable. Whatever Avantika had told me made sense. Why hadn’t I thought of it that way? I had ruined my friendship with Zynah because I wanted to create a new relationship with her. How could I forge a new relationship with her if its foundation—our friendship—had become weak? I had made her hate me. I had said inappropriate things to her. I did not know if she’d ever listen to me or forgive me but I had to try and apologize to her for my immature behaviour. I had to convince her that I couldn’t lose our friendship. That’s all I had. It had been a month since I had seen her last and I couldn’t wait to see her face again.

  I got off the taxi at Willow Road, rushed to her door and banged hard. A short, elderly woman with plump cheeks opened the door for me. I realized this was Zynah’s mother.